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When Playtime Changes:
Polyamory and Parenthood

Essay by Lee E.

Months ago, I was invited to write an article for Eve in Hand, and given a wide latitude in respect to subject matter. Since that time, some of my original topics have shifted, and some wonderful things have happened. I hope this essay reflects them.

In August, I turned 44. I have lived as a polyamorous male for the better part of the past seventeen years, and as a Dominant for the last eleven. I've been a practicing Taoist and Zen Buddhist since starting college in 1981, and I awakened to the Tantric path during the same period. I am a post-graduate professional. In my spare time I have enjoyed success as a fine art and erotic photographer. Much inspiration for the latter has come from friends and acquaintances on the liberated-kink fringe of life.

For those who don't know, polyamory is the practice of ethical open relationships with multiple partners. On the other hand, a Dominant engages in power exchange play (frequently but not always sexual) with a submissive partner.

I have been polyamorous my entire adult life. I grew up in Europe, without any guidance in respect to polyamory. My family was Catholic, and I don't ever recall my parents discussing sex. When I moved back to the U.S. at age 17, I spent quite a few years as a disoriented, emo teen. It wasn't just that things were different here, but that the puritanical codes of conduct I was expected to obey were completely unnatural to me. My girlfriend at that time was also seeing someone else. Far from bothering me, I thought it was great. During my late 20's and 30's, I had a number of relationships with married women. In my late 20's, I learned about polyamory, and realized that what I sought was a way to conduct open and ethical multi-partner relationships. It was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel; the only part about dating married women which I had not enjoyed was the sneaking around aspect (them, not me).

I have been married twice, and I have a twelve year old child who lives with her mother. My first marriage was monogamous, and the most vanilla imaginable. The other was more or less polyamorous and alternative. My second wife and I both had other lovers, and we played with D/s (Dominance/submission) regularly. When the marriage ended, I returned to my free living and loving ways. Looking back, I have only had a handful of monogamous relationships.

I like fatherhood. Though I've joked about giving myself a vasectomy for my birthday every year since my daughter was born, I've never made it to the surgeon. The $300 co-pay was not an obstacle. What kept me from going?

My approach to parenting has always been very open. In fact, I believe openness is crucial to sound childrearing. For starters, children can tell when you aren't telling them the truth, and I want my child to trust me. When she asks me things, I answer if I can, which is most of the time. When I cannot, I simply explain that there are some things that are not yet appropriate for us to discuss. But I don't think it's ever right to evade her questions or refuse to answer them.

Obviously, some things are off limits. Sex toys, bondage gear, etc, is kept discreetly locked away, just like anything else that's inappropriate for children. I don't discuss BDSM topics around my child. I don't schedule erotic photo shoots when she will be around. She knows my friends, so she has lots of contact with responsible alternative adults, but all of these people have been hand-screened by me. In fact, my child tells me that she feels free to confide in them when she does not want to talk to Dad. When you are the parent, you are the leader. You cannot really be your child's friend, but you needn't be the drill sergeant to be a gentle understanding leader.

My daughter is blessed to have aunts and uncles from both parents' families who are gay, so she understands that love comes in many shapes, sizes, and genders, and that it's okay for people to love differently.

Around the end of 2006, I realized that I wanted another child. I set out to find a woman who would be interested in having and raising a child with me, sans marriage. Some time ago, I met a woman online, and we began chatting. We have quite a bit in common. We enjoy each other's company, have compatible kinks, and we don't always need to be around each other. In many ways, it feels like one of the healthiest relationships I have ever had. We began seriously considering the possibility of parenting a child together. Subsequently, she met my daughter, who liked her; then we met each other's families. All went well.

When I decided on fatherhood with my first wife, we maintained notes and took basal temperatures, and the process of getting my wife pregnant took over six months. This time, however, no one was really paying attention to any of that; and it happened on what must have been the second or third try.

Some of my friends think I have lost my mind. Some of my partners have reacted badly to news of the baby: they see it as a change that will cut them out of the wonderful world we've shared, in some cases for a few years now; or they are jealous that I chose someone else as the mother of my child. But my friends mean well, and I'm hoping that, as time goes on, things will harmonize.

I'm happy. While it is true that a new baby pretty much means five years of no sleep all over again, this is something I know I can do.

In the long term, raising a child is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. It requires patience, perseverance, and love. It is work, at times. It is also often a lot of fun, and this fun finds you when you least expect it, when you most need to be reminded to laugh. Being a parent also makes me want to be a better person. So having a child around 24/7 again means I'll be locking the toys up and scheduling play. For a long time that hasnŐt been necessary. If life means anything at all to me, it means growing and changing.

Optimism is kinda stupid, but I can't help myself...

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