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The Instruction Manual?

Essay by Brian A. Orlando

I was having dinner the other day with an old friend I'll call Felisha. Felisha recently has been dating my best friend Lemar, so we haven't had as much time to talk. I was happy to meet up with a girl I consider a sister and to catch up about the trials and tribulations of the dating world.

I'd describe Felisha as boisterous. At a party, when there is more then one voice in the room, Felisha's is usually the one ringing out in supremacy over them all. Don't ask Felisha for her opinion unless you really want it -- unless you're sleeping with her. Okay, I'll ask my big question first and let it linger while I explain:

WHY DO WOMEN CLAM UP WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR CLAM?

So after the server brought our drinks, Felisha started to complain about her first oral session with Lemar. Her first complaint was that he came too quickly. Now especially when things are new, and possibly slightly uncomfortable, wouldn't that be a good thing?

I saw her next complaint coming from a mile away. "He couldn't lick my pussy for shit," she said bluntly after a sip from her glass of Chardonnay. I shrugged it off, but she obviously wasn't through. I then sat through a tirade of complaints about everything ranging from tongue pressure and teeth, to immaturity and ignorance.

Then came the exclamation point: "I really like him, but he sucks in bed." I decided to add to the pain of my creeping headache by asking why she didn't tell him what to do while he was face down in her lap. "Please," she huffed with an air of dismissal, "You men can't take getting your precious feelings hurt."

Although we were both ensuring our waitress of a very hefty tip with our increasing alcohol consumption, my line of thinking was still clear. It seems to me that telling your boyfriend's best friend that his buddy sucks in bed is probably more insulting than saying to said boyfriend, "Yo, asshole, a little bit to the right."

Why do women find it easier to fake orgasms than to explain what will make them have an authentic one?

Is it because we still live in a society where despite the advances that have been made in the women's lib movement over the past forty years, we still live in a society where a woman's only power over men is in the bedroom? As a man, I would rather know what I'm doing wrong than to have a girl I'm supposed to be open with lie to me about how well I'm doing. I had to doubt my friend Felisha's sincerity about wanting to hurt Lemar's feelings as she went on about everything and everywhere he was lacking as a lover.

Would women rather have a terrible sexual relationship than give up the one thing they have over men, the secrets of their vagina? I have found that most women have no problem complaining about their sex life. Isn't the key to any relationship honesty? Wouldn't it be a much better world for everybody if we could all just come as we please? Why is so difficult for women to guide men into the nether region and enjoy pleasures?

I'll end with one last question. When women complain about how men aren't listening, could the reason be that you're not talking?

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