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The 5 Styles of Sex Talk

Discover Yours and Get What You Want with Sophisticated Sensual Conversation

by Gayle Michaels, Contributing Editor

The ability to communicate with complex words and language is something that distinguishes humans from animals. Human beings have very advanced vocabulary and eloquent articulation skills in all areas of life, except- could it be? - while making love. During sexual intimacy, it seems, some people feel awkward, insecure, hesitant and uncertain about expressing themselves, especially emotionally. Because we live in a culture of sexual repression, adults are scarcely more skillful than children when they talk about their sexual feelings. Mastering the ability to communicate with sophisticated sensual conversation is an important stage of emotional development for sexually active adults. Doing so increases orgasmic capacity, and leads to more satisfying and fulfilling relationships.

In general, the most common styles of sexual communication are nasty talk, whispering, silence and making primitive/animal sounds.

Nasty talk is often used by those who have a need to overcome shame and sexual repression with fantasy and role play. For example, many people have been taught that sex is sinful, and that one is only supposed to engage in it with someone she loves. The desire to call your partner derogatory names during sex is often a healthy wish to resolve the cognitive dissonance that results from having internalized opposing messages about sex.

Whispering is a way to convey feelings of tenderness and closeness. It can also be the result of conditioning and habit, if there was ever need for secrecy and hiding, a subconscious fear of getting caught, or being exposed.

Many people prefer to remain silent while having sex except during the most intense moments of passion when primitive sounding becomes inevitable. Because of our cultural conditioning, inhibitions, and lack of confidence in the ability to articulate intimate thoughts and feelings adequately, some times it seems better to say nothing than risk utterances that might cause embarrassment.

Primitive sounding is the least likely to be inhibited by shame. Ironically, it often triggers embarrassment and leaves a dehumanizing impression, especially if lovers lack the ability to engage in sophisticated sensual conversation, too.

Sexually Sophisticated Conversation is the way of tenderness and truth, desire, and honesty. Although everyone is longing for it, few have experienced this kind of intimacy. Powerful passionate purpose with regard to sex requires courage and clarity of intent.

As you learn and practice sexually sophisticated conversation, you will naturally begin to find your voice. In making respectful, dignified, reasonable requests of your lover with the intention of creating a genuine union of souls, you will find yourself uttering phrases and expressing feelings, tenderly leading, purposefully following, navigating together, guiding each other graciously and gracefully.

"Would you like a massage?"

"Is there any place you don't want me to touch you?"

"How is the pressure?"

"Would you like it deeper?"

"Breathe with me."

"Kiss me."

"Open your mouth and give me more of your tongue."

Those who have the self-discipline to refrain from offering the most precious gift they have to give, the gift of fully ripened sexual love, until both partners are fully prepared to engage in sexual unions, will experience the greatest satisfaction. If there is tendency to feign readiness prematurely and rush into sexual relationship, it can be overcome by those with a sincere desire to cultivate greater truthfulness in sexual relations.

An easy way to begin dialogue with your lover is to simply verbalize your sensual observations. With eyes no more than six inches from your lover's body, observe the skin closely. Notice the texture, the taste, the feel. Describe this experience in detail. Harmony and hue are nature's most delightful and thrilling accomplishments. As you look into each other's eyes, you can see how the pupils expand and contract, dancing more openly in response to the expression of sincere feelings. Let this observation inspire you to examine your lover's body inch by inch, observing all the beauty, discussing it. Create trust by sharing things that will open your lover's heart. Truth that might create sexual distance is more appropriately revealed at another time.

It is so much easier to ask your lover for what you want when you know what you want. Discovery is an experimental process. Be adventurous. Try new things. Anything that feels good to the both of you is good. Move toward good and go beyond into ecstasy. Combine your memory of past pleasure with imagination to create fresh new experience that is deeper and more meaningful.

The most fulfilling sex is a highly-charged emotional experience. Talking about your feelings is essential. Developing sophisticated sensual conversation can heighten pleasure. Do you want to experience joy and comfort when you make love? Do you cherish the sense of connection and feel safe when you are holding someone in your arms? Say so.

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