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Tea & Biscuits in the Dungeon

A Virginia Dom Gets Cozy in a BDSM Q&A

What is BDSM anyway?

There is a little leeway for interpretation, but let's divide it up into BD-DS-SM and say Bondage & Discipline - Domination & Submission - Sadism & Masochism. It covers a lot of ground. Within that space you will find people who consensually play with sensual and sexual sensations in many different ways. Bondage broadly defined involves any kind of physical restriction to one's movement, most commonly in the form of ropes or straps. Discipline refers to rewards and punishments in the course of following (or disobeying) a given set of rules for behavior. Domination and submission refer to sexualized power exchange between people, one of them turning power over to the other, even going so far as to include consensual slavery between a Master and slave. There are many subclasses of submission, not all of them sexual. Sexual sadism and masochism refer to a (usually) potent form of sensation play; the sadist gets pleasure from administering sensations and the masochist, from receiving them.

What's a Dom?

Generically, a Dom or Dominant is the person in charge during BDSM play.

Do you have some thing against women?

No. I have nothing but admiration for women. My favorite people in the world are women.

Is this just a way for a bossy jerk to get laid?

While there are certainly many bossy jerks who try to pass themselves off as Dominants, there is a world of difference. For starters, Dominants play consensually. A bossy jerk is usually acting out of a sense of inadequacy and anger. A Dominant does not act out of anger. The most important quality a Dominant should have is control, self-control always before control over others. A Dominant without self control shouldn't be trusted.

Are Doms always men?

No. Despite what you might hear, there are almost equal numbers of male and female Dominants in most areas.

Is a Dom the same as a Master?

No. There can be passionate disagreement over this. While the terms are often used interchangeably, a Master is a Dominant, but not every Dominant is a Master. A Master is an owner of slaves. Consensual slavery is the most complete form of power exchange. This is most often accomplished through the use of contracts spelling out rights and responsibilities, and typically include a time limit (six months is common). Some slaves have had contracts with their Masters for years.

Do you ever bruise or hurt anybody?

In the lifestyle, we refer to this as marking. As with everything else, consensual marking good, non-consensual marking bad. I love marking and being marked, but it's always important to respect your partner's limits. As for hurting: It would deeply bother me if someone was injured in the course of play. Sensual pain properly administered does not hurt. It is designed to trigger endorphin release by the body, leading to a floating sensation not unlike drug "highs."

Were you abused as a child or something?

No, and I wasn't hard to toilet train either. It is important during negotiations with a partner to ask about possible traumatic triggers though. One man I knew was afraid of knives dating to his service in the military during Viet Nam, and his Lady Dominant was always sure to make this understood when they played with third parties.

What kind of toys and stuff do you use?

There are many toys to choose from. I prefer simplicity. I have a few floggers and belts, some leather restraints and a lot (a lot) of rope. My favorite toy is my brain. As far as impact toys, I like a bare hand, because I can always tell how hard I am hitting whereas with a toy it's hard to gauge that.

Where do you meet up with people to play with?

There are many places to find partners, depending on how 'out' (or known) you want to be and where you live. The number one place nowadays is the internet. Bigger cities will have organizations which hold meetings and arrange parties where people can socialize and meet playmates. Once you have been in the lifestyle a while, you will meet some people who have heard about you from others and are interested in exploring with you. A good reputation is an asset.

Do people switch roles or is it "once a sub, always a sub"?

People are different. Some seem to be one way or the other permanently, but many lie in between and many are literally switches, able to temporarily assume one role or the other. Typically, when a person has a dominant or submissive personality, we call them Dominants or submissives, but when they can take the roles of dominant and submissive, we refer to them as Tops and bottoms. The bottom line: do what you feel inside yourself.

Do overweight people get involved in BDSM? I'm kind of shy about my body.

While the media have popularized a certain glamourous build for both men and women, most of the people practicing BDSM in America look like average Americans. While there are fit people throwing whips, there are also plenty of people just like you or your neighbor who have a few pounds extra. In general I have found people in the BDSM lifestyle to be some of the most accepting of all when it comes to body diversity.

Are there any young people in the scene? It seems like everybody's older.

There are lots of young people in the scene, but you will fare better meeting them the closer you are to bigger cities. Most of the larger organizations (Black Rose, Society of Janus, etc) have special interest groups for young people, and there are TNG (the next generation) groups which frequently are only open to those under 35.

Have you ever been submissive?

I am a switch who spends most of my time on the Dominant/Top end of the scale. Occasionally I meet a woman who knows what she is doing whom I want to bottom to. One advantage (as I see it) of being this way is that I don't make anyone do anything I wouldn't do, and I don't do anything to anyone else I haven't tried myself first.

How do I get to be a Dom?

I think you either have this, or you don't. If you have it, find a mentor and learn how to do what it is that we do (WIITWD) safely. Bottom line: learn to listen, because the best Dominants are effective negotiators. All of this has more to do with trust that with sex, even when sex is involved.

How can I be your submissive?

You petition by writing a letter in which you request an interview. You also explain your interests, your experience, and enumerate some of the reasons you are interested in being MY submissive. During and following that interview, we would start to negotiate the parameters of our relationship.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever done?

One person's weird is another person's so two years ago. I actually don't think of BDSM as weird.

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